Poetry

by Ellie

All poetry on this page is copyrighted by Ellen Ferejohn Maziekien. Feedback can be sent to

Back to the Beginning

I have ridden out here alone
it is a bit more overgrown than it was but I know this is the place.
I remember it as if it were yesterday.
Here is the patch of ground where I buried my past
This is the place I had come to - my end of the road.
I knew myself, knew I could not change.
Here is where I would end it all.
He thought he was saving me, telling me that he could see the good in me.
After he'd pointed it out, all I could feel was anguish and a deep sadness.
No one would forgive me. I couldn't forgive myself.
How could I atone? How?
Then I'd heard a noise, hidden behind a tree,
and something happened that changed my life.
A gang of bloodthirsty scum had rounded up the women of a nearby town.
I hesitated, didn't want to get involved, until I saw her.
She was a pint sized spitfire, offering herself to spare another.
I acted before I thought. It was one of the stupidest moves I had ever made.
I had no weapons; I only wore a shift --
but there was something about that girl.
With her aid, I saved them all.
She wanted to come with me.
That made me laugh. I turned her down.
I didn't know she'd followed me.
I had been right all along, I couldn't overcome my past.
My family and the people of my town turned me away
with hatred and with stones. I let the stones hit me.
I didn't care if I lived or died that day.
Amazingly, she did. The girl. The spitfire.
She had followed me and she saved me.
I shake my head. I wonder how long I've been sitting here.
Argo shifts under me and I come back to the present.
"Okay, Girl," I reach down to pat her neck
and turn her towards Potadeia.
There, leaning against a tree,
her staff held in the crook of her elbow, is Gabrielle, the little spitfire herself,
grown now into a strong and beautiful woman.
I nudge Argo, who trots over to her.
She smiles up at me, scratches Argo's ear and holds up her arm.
I lean, pull her up and settle her in front of me, holding her tight.
She grabs my hand, kisses it, won't let go.
Good. Neither do I. I will hold her and love her forever.
She is my redeemer, my salvation, my partner.
She is my life.
7/15/2000
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Dark Rage

A rage comes over me
white hot, inescapable.
The anger takes me by surprise
even now, and I shudder with it's power.
I can feel it rush through me.
Logical, clear thinking is impossible.
I am consumed with fury.
My dark side comes willingly,
eagerly in response.
These brigands, these louts
will be short work for me,
and I laugh. The sound is chilling.
Ah. I see the fear in their eyes.
There. I am done. They are done,
gone to Hades, and good riddance.
My sword is clean again, wiped on the
grungy vest of one of my victims.
It will need sharpening.
I turn.
Gods.
I saw the same look of fear in her eyes.
She blinked, and it was gone,
but I saw it.
I know the force of my anger scares her.
Look how she smiles at me.
The fear has been replaced by warmth
and love and understanding.
I feel drained, exhausted, and she comes now
and puts her arms tenderly around me.
I try not to flinch, and after a moment I hug her back.
I could stand this way forever, safe in her arms,
my chin resting on her head. We break apart,
and soon we are on the move again.
She keeps looking at me as we walk toward the next village.
I know I am more quiet than usual, but I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do.
She is afraid of me.
It breaks my heart.

5/26/00
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Dialog Between Lovers

Xena
An icy feeling comes over me as I sit alone
It is not the deep cold of the Winter wind,
although it blows, chilly and damp around me.
It is the frozen state of my soul.
A dark depression settles over me as I
again review the deeds that made me
The Destroyer of Nations.
How can I atone??
Nothing can undo what I have done.
My throat is raw from swallowing tears
And finally, bitterly, they come.
The thought that pierces my heart comes
to my mind unbidden.
She loves a lie.
The woman she loves, the do-gooder, the champion,
is a sham.
A fake.
How can she love me?
How?

Gabrielle
I did not follow her this time
because I know she needs to be alone.
Impossible though it seems, she gets more quiet,
Until I feel like I'm babbling to compensate.
That look comes into her eyes and they change
from blue to a somber gray.
I know that she is hurting, and that I cannot
take the hurt away.
I can only be here for her when she returns,
and, accepting all she was and is,
show her that she is worth loving, worth saving.
Worth everything to me.

Xena
She has fallen asleep waiting for me,
sitting up against Argo's saddle.
I tried not to wake her but -
those eyes are on me now.
She doesn't say a word but fits herself
against me and starts a slow caressing.
I wonder, does she know how her touch heals me?
Now she whispers, her lips on mine,
words I desperately need to hear.
Tears fall and she catches them on her tongue.
I brokenly tell her not to love me,
but she hushes me.
Tenderly, she cradles me in her arms.
The iciness in my heart fades,
exchanged for the warmth
that is my Gabrielle.

5/16/2000
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Each Kiss Is More Intense

I want all of you; I cannot get enough.
Each kiss is more intense as
your touch goes deep, sending me into
a whirlwind of sensation.
The passion we share makes me weep
hot, helpless tears of joy.
Those amazing eyes, so cold and forbidding
when shuttered against the world,
are clear, warm and wide open to me.
With a calloused thumb you catch
and gently wipe the tears away.
You lift me up, holding me gently,
touching deep places
with an almost painful intensity.
Trembling, I kiss you wildly,
covering your face and breasts and belly,
licking, tasting, nipping, kissing.
Now your touch is firm, commanding.
I know your need; it matches mine.
What we share is white hot, intoxicating.
Your hands are everywhere,
your lips capture mine and your kisses are deep
and penetrating
bringing me toward climax.
We reach the crest together
and, tired now, we rest,
our bodies tangled, our heart beating as one.
I want more of you, I cannot get enough.

5/21/00
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Eyes

Your eyes glint in the firelight,
turned to violet by the flames.
I could fall into them; they seem so deep.
I know that you won't let me fall,
but catch me in your arms
as though I were a mere wisp,
insubstantial as the bits of fog that
even now are chasing each other across the grass.

Our fire is banked against the wind.
I am as snug as a babe;
held close, kept warm
within the haven of your love.

Now your eyes reflect another light;
by starlight they are a deeper hue.
I've seen them look as cold as ice;
but ever when your gaze meets mine
they are a sea-toned blue,
and dance and wink and glow like starshine.

2/14/2000
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Forever

I watch over you as you sleep.
Your face, peaceful in slumber,
is open, childlike and beautiful,
your hair, burnished
by the candle's flame,
is a shimmering gold.
Both arms wrapped around me,
you bind me with a love
that fills up raw, empty places
and tempers the darkness within.

I can feel your breath against my body,
your heartbeat echoing my own,
steady, strong and constant.

You are my safe haven
my harbor, my home.
All that I am or could ever
hope to be I owe to you.

Your faith in me, your trust
is a gift I prize above all else,
and every night before I drift to sleep
I promise you this:
forever.

4/9/2000
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Friends

All others turned away
but you.
even my mother;
you braved their wrath.
In my view that
makes you the hero,
not I.

One man saw good
in me;
I tried to change;

I couldn't.
I gave up.
I surrendered.
I quit.

But you saved me;
against my will,
you became my friend.
I grew to be yours.

Now I cannot live
without you.

3/11/2000
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Gabrielle Responds

I don't know why I can't govern my damned face!
She can! She does it so well.
That mask slips down,
those eyes are shuttered against the world,
the strong, beautiful woman who owns my soul disappears,
and the dark, unapproachable warrior returns.
I love her. There is no doubt of that.
She teaches me something new every day,
and each day she lets me into her heart a little more.
But this morning something happened.
A group of bandits attacked us,
before I even got to my feet,
she was fighting, a feral smile on her face.
before I even had time to lift my staff,
she'd killed four men.
I got to watch the whole thing this time, fascinated.
She exploded into action, parrying blows,
swinging her sword in one hand, chackram in the other.
It was over almost before it began.
She seemed to lose herself in the battle, and when she turned around,
the wild gleam was still in her eyes and I was afraid.
She saw the fear in my face and it shocked her.
Then the shutters closed over and she looked away.
She won't talk to me right now; I have to wait until she's ready.
Soon, perhaps tonight, she will thrash about in her sleep,
and cry out, caught in some horror-filled dream.
I will gently hold her as she weeps.
I will whisper the truth to her again.
I will try to make her understand
that I am never afraid of her.

I am always afraid for her.

6/28/2000
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Gabrielle, Master Of The Staff

(for Phyllis aka WarriorNutcase)

I don't worry when I go into a fight;
Gabrielle will watch my back
Even when she's beyond my sight
I can always hear the mighty THWACK.

She made her choice of weapon a staff
Because she does not want to kill,
But the villains all swallow their boastful laugh
When they come up against her skill.

When she first learned to use her weapon
She would hit herself in the head,
But proficient now, she can just step in
And make bad guys just wish they were dead.

In protecting me, she pulls out all the stops
Any man who has faced this attacker,
Pays homage to her, agrees she is tops
She's the master of the Gabwhacker!

7/11/2000
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I Am Home

You are my hearthstone.
No matter where
we journey,
you are my home.
Your trust, your love,
your passion fills me up.
When you are with me, I am
as safe as I could ever be.

You are my hearthstone.
The raging power
of the strongest storm
is as nothing.
I am safe and warm;
contented, in your arms.
You are my haven,
You are my home.

3/11/00
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I Know Who You Are

I know how strong you are;
I can see the strength of your arm.
I feel the muscles moving under your skin.
Hearts freeze in fear of you;
your eyes gleam with your power,
ice blue and cold.
I understand the darkness in you,

but I am never afraid.

I know how gentle you are.
I feel the heat rising as
your body touches mine.
My heart skips a beat when you draw me close -
the light shines in your warm blue eyes.
You are lit from within
by the love we share.

I know who you are
and I am never afraid.

2/23/2000
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Is This Love?

I welcome each new dawn
because you are there,
sharing my bed, sharing my life.
As the morning sun's rays slant across
the sheets, I am already warmed by your love.
I am yours, mind, body and soul.
A sense of peace settles over me;
I've never felt this way before.
I feel dizzy, distracted, befuddled, bemused.
Is this what being in love does to me?
I feel like a different person when I am with you.
Now I know what love is.
It is when you are more concerned with
someone else's well being than your own.
When you would go anywhere, do anything
to be with the one who completes you,
the one who is the other half of your soul.
Oh, yes.
I am definitely in love!

5/31/00
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Making Love

We excitedly strip off our clothes.
I want the feel of your skin rubbing against mine;
I am already gasping for breath.
Your fingers touch me in places no one else can reach,
and leave a trail of fiery tingles in their wake.
My breath stops and every beat of my heart
resonates through my body.
As your hand moves lower I can feel the pulse.
Tongue thrusting hungrily, I meet yours,
whispering/moaning/panting against your lips.
Your hand duplicates the action
and my body bucks and shudders.
Joined, we climb an upward spiral of sensation,
cresting and coasting down the other side,
wrapped in each other's arms, hearts beating as one.

6/2/00
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Moonrise

The rising moon sends a shaft of cool light
shining down, bathing her in its glow.
I think I could sit here for hours just watching her sleep;
she is so beautiful it takes my breath away.
Even when I cannot see her extraordinary eyes,
her face is lovely.
Now, in repose,
there is only the slightest tension evident.
As always, a tiny part of her remains alert.
A sigh, and she moves in her sleep,
arm reaching out, searching for me,
a frown appearing, her eyelids fluttering.
Quick as I can I lie down next to her,
resting my head against her shoulder,
wrapping my arms around her.
She settles down right away and breathes a deep sigh,
a slight smile erasing the lines of worry.
She is such a cuddler when she sleeps,
but I don't tell her that.
She'd be embarrassed, grumbling that
she has a reputation to maintain.
By the Gods! I do love her.
I wonder if she knows how much.
As if in answer, she shifts and
all at once I am cradled in her arms,
warm, safe and secure.
Still asleep, she brushes a kiss across my hair.
She knows.
Happier than I've ever been,
I snuggle down and close my eyes.
First thing tomorrow morning, I'll tell her again.

7/26/2000
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Opening Gambit

My lips press against yours
at first meeting resistance,
then an opening, a yielding.
My tongue tastes yours
sensuous, sensual, arousing.
You respond equally, ardently,
your hand tracing a line
from my ankle to the top of my thigh;
feather soft, gossamer.
You find my center and I open.
Eyes smoky with desire, you fondle my breasts,
your fingers finding me sensitive, vulnerable.
Never looking back, I utterly surrender my soul.

4/9/2000
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Perfect Love

(inspired by the artwork of Lucia da Ascencao de Nobrega and the writing of Melissa Good)

When she first told me that she going to have a child,
the bolt of pure joy that went through me
left me giddy and trembling.
I could barely contain my happiness.

She changed in so many ways during her pregnancy.
Making the final journey from girl to woman, steady and serene,
she looked more beautiful than ever.
My eyes followed her every move, she filled my soul to overflowing.

When our child was born I knew that she
was truly a part of both of us, a gift from heaven, created by love,
and that knowledge took my breath away.

Now our daughter is growing bigger and stronger every day.
I put her up on my back, safe and secure.
She holds onto my hair like the reins of a horse
and pulls to make me go faster;
I run, and the wind blows against our faces,
bringing healthy color to her cheeks.
She laughs with delight, and I laugh with her.

Her eyes are the color of her mother's,
her expression, endearing, delighted, is her mother's as well.
Her hair is like mine.
This amazing child sees in me what her mother sees.
Sleepy now, she rests on my chest, content,
cradled in my arms,
and absolves me with perfect love.

7/9/2000
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Protected By Love

There is no rest for me this night.
The old, haunting memories
have roused me, and, edgy,
I sit near you keeping vigil.
I watch you as you sleep;
Calm and peaceful,
A slight smile on your lips;
no terrors, no scenes of horror
to keep you wakeful.
You stir, sliding up against me,
and take my hand,
holding it close to your breast.
Content, you settle back
to slumber, trusting me
to keep you safe.
My demons are gone.
The touch of your hand
has sent them back to
the shadow world to wait
until sorrow and regret
call them forth again.
For a while I am at peace,
Enfolded in, surrounded by,
protected by love.

3/29/2000
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Soulmates

I feel your arms around me
and all else fades away.

Your lips meet mine
as you gently stroke
my cheek, my hair.
The world pales;
nothing exists
but this bond, this kiss,

Your hands move
over my body
and the kiss deepens.
I rise to meet you
my breath ragged.

We are alone.
Two souls
fused into one;

Spent and drowsy,
we slumber, our hearts
beating in tandem,
our breaths unhurried,
keeping time in
the quiet night air

3/25/2000
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Tears

You are strength itself.
You do miraculous things
that others wouldn't even try.

Seeking redemption you changed your life.
Seeking love you let me in;
and then I make you cry.

I did that.
Me

You've kept your heart sheltered,
locked up, chained;
now it is suddenly exposed,
susceptible to pain, but you mask it.
You will not let me see.

Sometimes I speak before I think
and with a careless word,
cut you deeper than could any sword or blade.
You turn and walk away,
betrayed by your unprotected heart
and me.

I let you go.
I cannot bear your tears.

2/24/2000
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The Present Can Belie the Past

If I can take the merest weight off
shoulders that bear so much;
If I can touch you and, with that touch
bring out the light that I see so clearly;

If, as a bard the tales I spin create
an image no one else has seen,
and bring a startled look to faces
and change minds made up
till now,

perhaps you will see yourself
through those eyes
and mine, and know
that the present can belie the past.

4/2/2000
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The Truth

If I could take the pain
I see reflected in your shadowed eyes
And ease your burden for
A little while

Your eyes would shine
With the light therein.

If I could wash away the stain
That you say you'll always bear
So others could see
Your undiminished smile

Your heart would show
The love wherein
The truth resides.

2/23/00
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The Way You Look at Me

It is the way you look at me;
your eyes gather me in, cerulean, intense.
your soul is in them, mine to take.

You give yourself to me, whole, complete,
holding nothing back.
Your heart is mine to break.

The hidden part of you;
the part that no one else can see -
that I can shatter with one act,
one look, one word,
is safe.

I will be your shield.
I will protect your fragile heart.

4/26/2000
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Your Heart

The sky on a clear morning
cannot match the color
of your eyes.
They change with your mood,
now sapphire, now violet, now ice.
When you look at me they
are colored by love.

In the fire's glow
they change again.
As the day passes into night
they go amber, smoky gray,
shadowed;

Gazing into them
I see your heart
utterly open to me,
trusting, exposed.

I am powerless before them.

3/28/2000
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Your Touch

Hands on my body;
your hands, finding secret places
that only those hands know.
Sensations tickling across
my exposed breasts and
rippling down in wave after wave
of ecstasy.

The thrill of your tongue
tasting, tracing the contours
of my lips, my mouth, my throat -
now kissing, now nipping
harder, stronger, faster.
I turn and we match each other
move for move.

You touch me everywhere -
smoothing, stroking, rubbing, caressing;
every nerve awake, alive, alert.
Back arched, I am open to you
and you duck your head and
capture my lips with your own.

Spent, you sleep.
I watch as your mist green eyes close,
and gently kiss them,
entangling my hand in your hair
as I fall asleep,
to dream again of your touch.

4/2/2000